TTC

Trying to conceive.  Who knew that 3 letters could cause so much anguish?  After TTC for nearly a year, I have become all too familiar with this acronym, as well as many more that are used on fertility blogs by women who are also TTC.  Here’s a sampling:

DH – Dear Husband
AF – Aunt Flow
DPO – Days Post Ovulation
BD – Baby Dance
BFP – Big Fat Positive
BFN – Big Fat Negative
IUI – Intrauterine Insemination
IVF – Invitro Fertilization
Beta – HCG/Beta Preg Test
US – Ultrasound
2ww – 2 week wait
OPK – Ovulation predictor kit
LH – Leutinizing hormone

And there’s definitely more.

Most women will probably never hear of or read these acronyms and will go on to conceive without having to monitor ovulation, check cervical mucous or pay for multiple $250+ ultrasounds that insurance doesn’t usually cover.  These women are lucky and I had been one of them.  I’m not sure what the infertility rate is in this country, but most people are bound to know someone that is TTC and not having any success.  As far as my story goes, after getting pregnant with lovable Laird after the average 6 months of TTC, I am now baffled as to why the second time around is taking much longer.  I have visited with a fertility specialist who can only diagnose my infertility as “unexplained” and have dealt with a bumpy emotional roller coaster ride month after month.  Though unlike many of the women who spend hours perusing and chatting on these (in)fertility forums, I am fortunate to have a child already.  Part of me thinks, stop being selfish, one is better than none, I shouldn’t feel bad about not being able to have a second.  And a few people have made comments to me essentially expressing this.  That gets me frustrated, as the ones who make these comments often have more than one child.  Also, I try to picture my life without my sisters and, well, can’t.  Neither can I picture life without every one of my nieces and nephews or all of the non-first borns in my life.  I think it is natural for me to want Laird to have a younger brother or sister to be a lifelong friend and companion.  And who wouldn’t want another Lairdy running around? 🙂

My DS (dear son) in this horrid combination of leopard print baby legs, an unbuttoned onesie and yellow cloth diaper. I think he liked it though.

It’s amazing what this experience has taught me though.  When we first started trying for our second, I thought “this should be no big deal, we’ll get pregnant and have our baby at such-and-such time, which will work out great timing-wise for blah, blah, blah.”  After 3 months, I began to realize that I had no control of this situation.  I kept telling myself that I was letting God handle it and yet this is what I truly did not believe in my heart.  I wanted to be in the driver’s seat.  So after each month went by, and I felt emotionally drained every time dreaded AF arrived, I slowly and painfully began to realize the truth that I have no control.  This has been a difficult pill to swallow for me especially because I am a control freak with everything having to be “just so.”

So I have decided to rid myself of the anguish and frustration TTC has caused me by just letting nature and God take over.  Life is much too short and valuable for me to try desperately to control a situation that I just can’t.  Will it be easy?  Probably not, and I’m sure I’ll experience the same roller coaster ups and downs as I get used to the fact that God has His own idea of how my life will unfold.  So, as of now, so long acronyms and good bye to stressing over TTC, hopefully this crazy ride is coming to an end….

Scrubba dub dub

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